Quotes Collection

“I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

- Michael Scott

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.”

- Jack Handey

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

- Lily Tomlin

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”

- Bertrand Russell

“I am so clever that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I am saying.”

- Oscar Wilde

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

- Steve Martin

“I am writing a book. I have got the page numbers done.”

- Steven Wright

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

- Elbert Hubbard

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I do not know the answer.”

- Douglas Adams

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

- Unknown

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”

- Steven Wright

“My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.”

- Unknown

“The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.”

- Chuck Palahniuk

“My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.”

- Unknown

“I threw a boomerang years ago. I now live in constant fear.”

- Unknown

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a surgeon. She said she was seeing a psychiatrist.”

- Rodney Dangerfield

“A joke a day keeps the doctor away. If you got a bad joke, the doctor will come anyway.”

- Unknown

“I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered, they are right behind you.”

- Unknown

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

- Mitch Hedberg

“I have a clean conscience. I have not used it once.”

- Unknown