Jokes & Humor

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I have a lot of growing up to do.

I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I threw a boomerang years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I told my wife the truth.

I told her I was seeing a surgeon. She said she was seeing a psychiatrist.

I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

I think the horse is a great multiplier.

It is always a bay-gone the next day.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said nothing would make her happier than a diamond ring.

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It is a shame they will never meet.

I am on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

I told the gym I wanted a six-pack.

They told me to stop drinking beer.

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

My wife left a note on the fridge.

It is not working, I can not take it anymore, I am going to my mom place.